this is how a breaking heart feels

When I started this blog, I tried to make it a personal diary. Full of things I was angry at, mundane minutia of my life. Then it evolved into more of my creative journey, which is satisfying personally as a way to keep up with my projects, ideas, and inspirations. Actually it is still a personal journey, and record, but told through the lens of my medium, quilting. But that has come to a screeching halt this week.

One of the bright lights of my life, is fading. And this pain is like NONE I have ever experienced. My dear sweet MIL is in and ICU and we know she is on her way. 

I never imagined I would ache like I am.

If I write about my emotions right now, I probably couldn't finish, so let me write about her. 

She was born in September 30, 1929, a month before the Great Wall Street Crash (Black Tuesday), on a little farm in rural North Carolina. Farmers didn't know they were poor, because they were self-sufficient, growing their food and trading for other goods. She got one pair of shoes each year, a pair of ugly brown oxfords. (That's okay, she currently has well over 50 pairs of gorgeous shoes in her closets. And in storage boxes under her beds). She went to school, met another rural farm boy and married. (in a car on the county line because they had got their marriage license in the wrong county!). She sewed for a textile mill for 17 years, then when the youngest of her 3 boys was in elementary school, she went to collage to study her first love, nursing. She worked as a nurse for 30+ years, only letting her certification lapse at the age of 79. She paid for the house of her in-laws, as well as the house where she raised her family. She cared for her in-laws, parents and husband as their lives were winding down. Then came 10 great years of doing what she pleased. 

She has 3 sons, 3 daughters-in-law, 6 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. Her great sport was bargain-hunting. She has an extensive wardrobe and was always dressed "to the 9's".

Up until this past Tuesday, she still read the newspaper from cover to cover, worked word-searches and crossword puzzles, read romance novels and watched "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy" as well as UNC Tarheel football and basketball games.

She is such a great lady, and my heart feels as if it is shredding. I feel lost. I am so going to miss her. Her political discussions, pictures of recipes, showing her my quilts. Yes, she was also a quilter.  

I know this is a part of life, and I told my son that this pain we are feeling is the price we pay for love. But I would not give back one single second of that love. 

We are both lucky and blessed to have had her in our lives.

I hit the mother-in-law jackpot. I told my mom yesterday, that because of the way she (my mom) loved me and taught me to love, I was able to love Meme. We developed a respect that grew into a deep friendship over all these years. And we laughed a lot.

I will return later.