made it another week

I have always had the fear of loosing my job. That is probably due to some strange perfection-pursuit deep in my DNA. I have always tried to do my best, every day in every task. Fearing the day my "less-than-perfection" would come to light and everyone would see how useless I really am. Now I have addressed this feeling of inadequacy, and I know that in reality I am smart, capable, detail-oriented, quick, self-driven and damn good at what I do. I have the respect of my management, colleagues and customers. I have been given special projects and assignments which have allowed me to travel and learn. But, every day, for the past 5 months, I have been waiting for the axe to fall. I know it is not personal, it is just business. But this limbo, this time when I (as well as the others I "still" work with) can not move forward, is torturous. One of the guys in the office said last week, "I can handle getting let go, I can handle looking for a job. I can handle being unemployed. But this waiting is killing me."
We have lost more good people again this week. This week's job cuts were sudden. By that I mean, we were not told on Monday there would be more cuts by Friday. This is what had happened in October, November, December, January and again last week. Each time, we had to wait out the week, still trying to complete projects, answer customer inquiries, create new designs, all the while never knowing if or when we would get the summons to "come down to HR". Each time we have been told, "this is all". It is a hellish way to try to function. We get calls letting us know where the HR managers are headed. There has to be a better, more organized, more respectful way to handle this. The rumors, innuendo, and gossip keep us from being productive. There is a huge cloud of fear, along with a sick satisfaction from some when the terrible news is delivered. I really have tried to move this blog into my creative life. I am fortunate to (as of today) still be employed as a designer. BUT, I am moving forward with my personal creative pursuits. I am making quilts and handbags, taking a Photoshop class, working on taking more pictures each week, building my portfolio. I know it is coming. I really do not want it to end yet, I am still having fun.